Although there are still far too many places in the world where the freedom to choose your own sexual orientation and identity is not tolerated, there is a definite attitude shift towards sex in what some are calling ‘the next sexual revolution’. Whether it’s sexless reproduction, open relationships, gender fluidity or choosing your preferred pronoun, we are certainly moving away from the thinking we were fed in sex ed class, which paints the picture of ‘real sex’ as strictly involving a man’s erect penis inserted into a woman’s vagina.
There is a definite attitude shift towards sex in what some are calling ‘the next sexual revolution"
From same-sex couples to trans or non-binary people with gender dysphoria around their genitals, and people who can’t use their penis for medical reasons, the number of people the textbook definition of sex excludes from having ‘real sex’, calls for greater awareness and a bigger conversation about the way we define sex. Really, even straight cisgender couples will find benefit from the novelty of breaking out of the assumed penis-in-vagina sex routine.
So, when we open our minds, how can we better think of sex?
Well, it’s so many things. It’s a shift of focus from erection or ejaculation defining the act, to something far more encompassing. It’s any attempt at pleasuring someone, at showing them how you would like to make them feel, both physically and emotionally. This can involve mouths, fingers, toys of any type, reading erotica, role play, playing out dom or sub fantasies, watching porn together… the list is as long as your imagination allows it. Really the focus is less about the act and more about the connection, shared experience and ultimately, pleasure in some capacity for both (or all) parties.
Let’s look at debunking a few stereotypical misconceptions:
You need a penis to have sex
What nonsense! Most people know that penetrable pleasure can be experienced using many things and with a world of sex toys out there to explore, from dildos to rabbit vibrators, to strap-ons, to vibrating panties and remote controlled couples toys, who needs a penis to have great sex?
You need a penis to have sex - what nonsense!
Orgasm is always the measure of completion
There’s a great point of curiosity and confusion, particularly when it comes to penisless couples. How do they know when they’re finished? Well, basically it’s quite simple. When both people are satisfied with the experience being finished, then it is. There may have been countless orgasms or none at all, depending on what the situation and experience has involved. Either way the idea is to remove orgasms as the ultimate goal and to replace that with providing your partner with pleasure, as the ultimate goal. The key to success, as with most things in this realm, is communication. And you may find that removing the pressure of orgasm (or ejaculation) opens up a whole new avenue of intimacy to explore.
Fingering is just for vaginas
While it is most enjoyable and certainly a recommended method of vaginal play, people with penises can find great pleasure from more intentional finger involvement around their genitals. While a finger inserted correctly into a butt is something that can bring great thrills, we’re talking about the two spots tucked away between the scrotum and the testicals. The inguinal canals are conveniently roughly the diameter of a finger each, stimulating these canals with your fingers or the knuckles of a gentle fist, can bring an awesome sensations to the receiver.
So there we have it folks, some healthy food for thought on what sex really is, and how to make it an inclusive notion centred around pleasure and connection, applicable to all bodies and every body.